Catharsis :: 080

Written By Jake Kahana

Why good morning!

 

HLLLL/AHHHHH

Can I brag for a second?
I had a pretty epic month. I took myself to a Korean spa for the day. The next day I left for London and Wales to attend The DO Lectures for nearly a week. When I came back I took Abe to NYC for his birthday and then saw one of my new favorite bands who happened to be headlining our annual local music festival.

It wasn't just good timing.
It was good planning.
Two years ago my mom was in the hospital and then died at the end of July.
And just a week ago I wrapped up a year contract at Twitch, so I'm currently out of work.
Those two things, plus turning forty last month have added up to a lot of building tension.

I need catharsis. Catharsis is releasing emotional tension and pent-up emotions. Often through artistic expression or activity leading to a sense of relief. This month, I'm exploring this theme.

With so much building tension in the world– talking about the (extreme) weather or the Middle East– and in our lives, I want to explore catharsis. How do we purify ourselves of these feelings? How can we confront the tension and find release instead of just avoiding and distracting ourselves? What happens when we give ourselves permission to let go?

Soften your forehead muscles. Loosen your jaw. Relax.

Let(‘s) go...

 
 

Permission

I discovered something interesting about myself:
I don't allow myself to get sick.

It's weird, I know.
Sure some of it might be good genetics and taking care of myself. But I truly can't remember a time that I missed more than one day of work or school in a row.
I've had food poisoning, hangover, strep throat, COVID, the Flu.

Typically my approach (if it's bad) is to take a day to rest, medicine, eat healthy, and sleep as much as I can, then I try to keep going. Sometimes, I'll even work out when I'm sick, hoping to sweat it out. And if I can power through it, I do.

I just don't feel like I have permission. Asking people to take care of me, or to take on my work and responsibilities to focus on me feels overwhelming and burdensome.

It's not healthy, I know.
But I'm working on it. It's deep in there.
I can't remember my mom or dad getting sick for more than 24 hours either.

So last month, I woke up feeling awful.
Achy, sore throat, nauseous.
I took a nap and went to urgent care where they told me I had strep throat.
I used it as an opportunity to make a small change. I gave myself permission to be sick for as long as it took until I got better.
Youguys! I stayed in bed for 2 days and it was great.
Well, it wasn't great, I was very sick. But emotionally! It was amazing! I didn't work. I didn't exercise. I just listened to my body and slept, drank Gatorade and crackers, and watched bad TV.

Our body is giving us signs.
Messages to slow down, check in, stop. And I'll admit that I don't always listen.

But I'm starting to make small shifts, even a little.
And isn't all that we can ask of ourselves and each other?

 
 

Distraction vs Confrontation

I'm sitting on the floor in Golda's room and she's hysterically crying on my lap.
She got her ears pierced in April she cried and said it hurt so much. 
Every time she even so much as brushes against them she would as, "Is my ear bleeding?"
No. It's not.

We're not allowed to touch them.

But tonight is the deadline we set to replace her earrings. We're about an hour and a half in, mostly tears. The emotional roller coaster is going full speed– terrified and crying. Brave and confident.
But I still can't get her to pull them off.

I try distracting her.
Look out the window. Read this book. Loud music. Tickle. Bite your lip.
Nope, doesn't work.

We try presence.
Look in the mirror. Take a breath. Feel what it feels like to touch it, spin it, pull it.
Nope.

I'm frustrated, confounded at what to do as a parent here.
Do I let her avoid this deadline because it might hurt?
Do I hold her down and do it myself, possibly traumatizing her and making her distrust me?

She gets up to get a few tissues. It's been two hours and I dissociate for a moment.
I think about my own experience with potentially painful things:
Jumping in to a cold plunge.
Confronting a business partner.
Quitting a job.
A breakup.
I procrastinate. I distract myself.

But. But!
I know it's better when it's done. It's better to face the fear and confront the hard thing.
Doing the thing is always better than not because then it's done. And I'm capable and strong. And I did it.

I tickle Golda to get her to smile. Give her a big hug and roll her on the bed, still holding her.
I tell her to take a deep breath and in one motion I pop off the right earring.
Before she can even protest it's done.

Breathe.
Next one pops right off. It's done.

Phew. That feels better.

 
 

Somatic Stress Cycles

The kids and I were watching animal videos on YouTube when something caught my eye.
A lioness hunts a Zebra, stalking first. Then sprinting and chasing and closing in...
It's intense because I'm not even sure who I'm rooting for.
Finally, the zebra escapes.

Here's where it gets interesting: the Zebra does this little dance afterwards–like a shake and a high step.

What's going on here is the animal is releasing the energy built up from a stress response. During the chase, the zebra's sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive– releasing adrenaline, increasing heart rate, expanding focus by dilating pupils and expanding lungs. And when it's all over, the zebra needs to complete the somatic cycle and shake off all the excess energy.

But humans don't. We regularly experience moments of pain, minor trauma, and extreme stress. It could be something like a presentation at work, a bad meeting, fighting with a partner, managing a toddler tantrum, or a doctor's visit. There's tension and energy that builds up in our cells and we've been conditioned to be stoic and professional and just carry it and go about our day. We don't usually complete this stress cycle. That buildup stays in our system as mild trauma.

There are ways of connecting with our body and the present feelings to help us process present and past trauma and release it. To physically shake it off and getting it out of our system.*

It's probably why it feels better to go for a long walk or run, do an intense workout, dance, or rock out to loud music.
Seems like a prerequisite for modern life is stress.
And amid a stressful life, catharsis is a requirement.

*I'm by no means an expert in this.
But I've been reading about it and it's fascinating to see it in nature and then to not experience it as a human.

 
 

The Arrival 

Next month will be better. Now that I have this email off my plate, I can finally focus. Except that's not how things work. This idea of crossing a threshold and everything magically being better is false. It's known as The Arrival Fallacy.

Whatever space that project or task or stress was taking up just gets eaten up by other stress and work and tasks. I get it. I'll have another Email Refrigerator to write and send. More work to find and complete. A calendar full of meetings.

But there is a truth to it, related to catharsis. When you're done with this thing, you're done. The chaos moves to something else but THIS THING is done.

Getting through July the last two years has been a struggle. Each day is a different reminder of my mom. The day she came home. The last time we took her outside. The last time I saw her. Getting through July means that I did it.

Yes, there will be other stresses and time suckers. But they'll be different.

We did it. We got through the month.  We can move on.

Ahhhhhhh.

______

I hope you found something cathartic in this month's Refrigerator. Thank you for reading this far. Spending time with me this month and every month. I appreciate your reflections. And I'm grateful to you for just reading even if you've never responeded. I see you, too.

With gratitude,

Jake

 

Hey it's me again.
If someone forwarded this Email Refrigerator to you and you'd like one every month, sign up here.
Read the last 79 issues here.
If you need an empty inbox to feel better, click here to unsubscribe. No hard feelings, really.
A few topics I cut from this month: taking responsibility, facing fears, breaking up with a friend, flow cycle (struggle>release>flow>recharge)


The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.

 
Jake Kahana http://www.jakekahana.com
Next

Focus :: 079