Rituals :: 082
‘Morning, friend!
Back To School
The last two weeks of August were chaos. There was no camp or school for Abe and Golda had a mix of half day camps and playdates. So finally, when school started, getting into the routine was a relief.
Actually, even before school. Breakfast.
Golda got pancakes, Abe ordered a donut and french fries. It's a thing we do every September. No, not the donut, but a special breakfast. The day before school starts we have a ritual of going out for breakfast. Later that week, we were invited to a friend's house for shabbat dinner. We greet with hugs and we jump right into catching up over drinks. Before we sat down for dinner, we lit candles, blessed the wine and challah, sang a song, then ate.
With school starting and routines falling into place, I'm thinking a lot about rituals. Rituals, as we define them at Caveday are little actions that create a container in time. They create an elevated experience that signals an end and a new beginning– summer/school year, week/weekend, alone/together.
Of course there are religious rituals like lighting candles, reciting a prayer or song, putting on a garment...But there are so many secular rituals in our lives that create containers for time: Saying hello, a morning routine, coffee, afternoon pickup, sending the last email and closing the laptop, bedtime sequences. And obviously, everything that comes with back to school.
Let's explore the rituals in our life (including the daily ritual of picking up your phone first thing in the morning, and the monthly ritual of opening the Email Refrigerator). Ready?
Ritual Integration
I was flipping through my Google Photos from 1988 and realized something both obvious and mind-blowing. My whole life is one long timeline; continuous from the day that I was born until today. No breaks, day in, day out, day after day.
That running timeline is incomprehensible.
So we all mentally create edits and define chapters to make our lives make more sense. These edits often point to a beginning or an end– sometimes in the same moment. And often, they're rituals:
Graduation
Breaking Up
Marriage
Moving
Starting a Job
Quitting a Job
Retirement
Birthday
A Birth
A Death
New Year
An Incident
A pandemic
Think about the current chapter of life.
When did it begin? What about the one before that? What ritual began the edit?
Rest and Play Rituals
Over the Summer, I took part in a course about living my values as a parent. Two values kept coming up as I was doing the work:
Play and Rest.
The assignment in week 5 was to make a list of ways to bring these values to life on a regular basis. The goal was to be more intentional with our time and find ways to use ritual to connect our values into everyday parenting.
We can live more intentionally if we've thought about how to bring this into our families often. Not just when we feel like it, or having a mantra, or simply hoping.
I want to share some of my work for how I thought about bringing Rest and Play into our lives on a regular cadence:
Daily
Play:
Breakfast - Question of the day
Dinnertime - Best/Worst part of the day
Bed time - What did you learn today
Rest:
After pickup - Mindful moment
After dinner - A family walk
Weekly
Play:
Game, Dance, or Art Night
Rest:
One weekend day to lounge, watch TV, no plans
One weekend day of no screens
Monthly
Play:
Deep Questions (Eg What does it mean to forgive? Why do we lie?)
Adventure to a new museum, restaurant, park, or neighborhood
Rest:
A hike or time in nature
Semi-Annually
Play:
Road trip or other travel
Family celebration (when is our family's birthday?)
Rest:
Vacation
Writing these down reminded me a lot of one activity I lead for Caveday, helping people integrate energizing breaks into their routines hourly, daily, and weekly. When I've put in the time to think about it, I'm more likely to follow through and do something that aligns with my values.
To be clear, I don't actively do all of these. But just writing them down has helped be more intentional about where and when I bring my values to my parenting. What comes up for you?
Repetition and Routinization of Ritual
For nearly seven years, I kept a running list I called the Drink Log. Every time I drank, I tracked what I drank, who I was with and what was the story of the night. It was both an attempt to refine my taste in alcohol and to capture the stories that come from nights out.
But at a certain point, it felt like homework. It wasn't interesting or fun any more. So about 10 years ago I stopped keeping track.
This Email Refrigerator marks 82 months in a row. That's also nearly seven years. This monthly ritual (actually, 3-4x/week I write and edit) has given me a deeper understanding of my creative process, sources of inspiration, and only recently have I felt like I'm finding my voice in my writing.
These are the two sides of ritual. Doing things over and over until they lose meaning. And doing things over and over until we find meaning. In Judaism, there's a belief in the former. We say "na'a'say v'nish'ma" - which means "we will do and we will listen/understand." It is only in the experience of doing that we understand.
Maybe they're the same thing though. Like an ongoing inside joke. We start a joke with a friend and it connects us. Just like a new ritual. Novelty creates a feeling of connection and depth. Repeat it long enough and it gets stale. But in the commitment, we can find meaning. By repeating it over and over, it starts to get annoying, burdensome, not funny at all. But before too long, the joke–the ritual– transforms. Keep at it and It soon becomes hilarious, a cornerstone of the relationship.
By doing something over and over, it becomes meaningful. Repetition actually creates understanding.
Bling.
Bling.
Bling.
Ohp! The fridge has been open too long. Time to close it.
Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. I'm grateful to have your attention and always curious to hear what resonates and what you disagree with this month. There's ritual in that part for me too.
Until next month, refridgeyalater...
-Jake
Hey it's me again. Like every month. A few things:
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A few topics I cut from this month: Cycles of suburban living, OCD, Joseph Campbell, ritual as a bridge between the traditional past and the modern future, high holidays and tashlich
The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.