Sleep :: 076
Good morning!
Sleep Changes
I remember a time where I was *so good* at falling asleep.
Anywhere. Any time. Coffee or not.
Don't take me to a movie after 8pm.
Don't try and tell me something important before bed.
Don't expect me to stay awake in the car if you're giving me a ride home at night.
Actually, daytime too.
There's even an instagram account out there somewhere about how I can fall asleep anywhere.
Maybe I was just not getting enough sleep– staying up til 1am on work nights and multitasking, passing out while a Seinfeld rerun plays in the background.
And now I'm jealous of my former self.
Lately, I'll lay in bed, unable to fall asleep.
Sometimes for hours.
I've woken up at 4am several times and just been like "welp, I guess I'm up for the day."
Not only that, but I notice that if I get less than 6 hours, I turn into a little tantrum-throwing toddler. I say things like "I'm NOT tired, I'm FINE" and get impatient with the kids. I'm distracted at work.
Sleep impacts my life more than I realize.
And my relationship to it is changing.
We all are not sleeping as well as we used to...
Let's talk about sleep this month:
Teaching sleep. Staying up late and what's worth waking up for.
Sleeping to avoid the world. And how to wake up to that same world.
I'll tuck you in. It's story time.
Animation by David Michael Chandler
How to Fall Sleep
The trick is to pretend I'm already doing it:
just lay down and close my eyes
get comfortable as I can
wrap myself in the hug of blankets
focus on s l o w i n g d o w n my heartbeat and breathing
and then
...
let the magic of sleep wash over me
...
...
***Oh***
Forgot my phone.
Get out of bed and find it.
Plug it in next to the bed.
Run through my default pattern: Email. Social media. Texts. Kids' monitor. Back to Email.
Scroll for a bit.
Ooooh it's late. Ok 2 more minutes.
Next funny thing I'll stop.
Ok that was funny.
But meh not funny enough. A few more.
Read a theory about how democracy is ending.
Not funny.
See 3 posts about how my peers are innovating with AI and just got promoted and won an award and are taking another vacation but here's their secr–– Scroll.
Ok it's really late now. Phone off.
Lay in bed. Pretend I'm asleep.
But my heart is beating so fast. Is it always this fast?
Am I having a heart attack?
What's that noise and why are my blankets so loud?
If I fall asleep right now I could still get 7 hours of sleep.
Should I get a gummy? That'll take like an hour.
Ok just take a few deep breaths.
Inhaaaaaaale.
Ex–-"what was that thing about politics that reminded me about that thing I have to do tomorrow?"–haaale.
Ok I remember. Pick up my phone to write it down.
Ok seriously. Phone off. I need to sleep.
Count up to 100. If I'm still awake, I'll take some melatonin.
1... 2...
78... confetti. Lights. ..79... why are they counting UP on New Years Eve in Times Square? It's so crowded. And noisy. And so––
omigod I'm in a dream.
I actually did fall asleep!
Ok, stay... asleeee...
Dammit.
Check the clock.
I could still get 2 more hours of sleep.
I could just get up. No. Sleep. ...
...
focus on s l o w i n g d o w n my heartbeat and breathing
and then
...
let the magic of sleep wash over me.
Teaching Sleep
Click.
It's bedtime. Lights off, nightlight on. Sound machine on, heat off.
I'm creating an environment conducive to sleep. That is to say, getting my kids ready for bed. One of my jobs as a parent is to actually teach Golda and Abraham how to sleep.
It's strange to have to teach someone how to do something that we do every day. Something that they would inevitably do whether I show them or not. It's like teaching someone how to eat (which, funny enough, I also have to do).
We have rituals and an order for how things go.
Sound machines on. Lights low. Pajamas. Teeth brushed. Pillow talk. Reading. Lights off. Click.
Rituals create containers for special space.
They help us "click into" that special mindset.
Rituals elicit a familiar pattern.
And familiarity is safe. When we feel safe, we can fall asleep peacefully.
Golda and I created two new bedtime rituals this month. An extra long hug with a stuffy between us called a "transfer" where my dad-powers are temporarily given to the stuffy overnight. And a bedtime secret handshake (I can't say anything more, it's a secret).
With Abe, we often read the same 3 books.
And then I repeat the same affirmation* as I leave his room.
We're used to rituals in a religious context.
But we all have rituals throughout our day.
That different mindset starts with a ritual.
Starting our work day with a cup of coffee.
Ending our work day by clearing out our inbox.
Putting on running shoes to exercise.
Lighting candles and singing for birthday.
When starting a new habit, creating a ritual helps.
Facewash.
Read a few pages.
Click.
Ready.
Getting Abe to sleep. Or trying, anyway.
What's worth losing sleep over?
I set a bedtime alarm at 905pm.
It's weird, I know. But it works. It's enough of a reminder that I can watch the last 10 minutes of a show or finish my email and close up shop for the night. It helps remind me to go to sleep, which I need.
When I was growing up, my mom would say "you'll remember what you did. You'll never remember being tired."
She's not wrong.
I remember 3am newborn feedings.
I remember the after-after party at my wedding.
I remember sunrise drives to the airport to catch our flight.
I don't remember being tired.
But it also taught me to deprioritize sleep.
I will over-caffeinate before I even think about taking a nap.
Going to bed before 9 feels like throwing away pizza. What a waste.
I'm always willing to go out on a school night.
Put in an extra hour on that project.
Watch the end of the movie.
Stay up late to catch up.
But these days, I'm feeling more and more exhausted.
In fact, earlier this week I was not feeling well and was asleep before 8.
And then I wake up feeling amazing. My work is better. I'm patient with the kids. I'm more generous with my time.
It's stupid because it sounds so obvious.
Like I discovered that sleep is helpful.
I just have this story in my head that I should stay up and squeeze the rest of the juice out of the day.
Sleep is helpful. But I also love staying up.
So I'm trying to come up with a rule for myself.
Here's my thought: If I want to remember this night in 10 years, I should stay up past my bedtime.
Playing music with friends. Yes!
Vacation? Stay up!
Meteor shower or eclipse? Get up!
Mediocre movie? Turn it off and go to sleep.
Maybe I'll never remember being tired.
But I'm not going to remember staying up late to scroll. Or putting away laundry. Nor do I want to. If it's something I want to remember in a decade, I'll stay up.
Don't Snooze the News
Wake up. This is serious. WAKE UP. We need to talk.
Specifically about politics.
History is happening right now and it's not good for most people.
We will see the effects of what is happening right now for the rest of our lives. And our kids lives. It will get even worse. Sure, I'd much rather sleep through the next four years and wake up and start over. But that's not how it works.
This is not the email that tells you to watch the news more.
Or hold a sign on a highway overpass for 3 hours.
You can certainly join a protest. Make 5 calls or write a letter.
But I don't expect any of us to be the one person that's going to stop the chaotic fascist ball of shit rolling down the hill, getting bigger and gathering speed, coming for each one of us.
I'm not going to even tell you what to do. But I'm taking a cue from James Clear who, talking about habits, says "Each action is a vote for the kind of person you want to become."
I believe that every action is a vote for the kind of world we want to live in.
As the current administration seeks to separate, dehumanize, and isolate us, I'm voting for togetherness, community, and gathering.
As we are continually gaslit and purposefully confused, deeper in our social media echo chambers, I'm voting for honest conversation.
As we are convinced we're powerless, I'm voting for small, collective action. Donation. And support.
As the world gets darker and full of despair, I'm voting for love, and play, and hope.
We're already deciding the world we want with our actions.
Or inaction.
Ballots are open. Vote.
––––––––––––––––––––––––
As always, I appreciate you getting out of bed for this.
Or maybe some of you are reading this in bed right now. Samesame.
Thanks for being on this journey with me, exploring big questions and finding meaning in this life. If you have any reflections, ideas, or comments, I'm always up to hear them.
*You are kind. You are strong. You work hard. You are capable of anything.
Sweet dreams. Refrigeyalater.
Jake
Psst, it's me. Are you awake?
A few more things.
If someone forwarded this Email Refrigerator to you and you'd like one every month, sign up here.
Read the last 75 issues here. 24 left to go– exactly 2 more years of refrigerators.
Click here to unsubscribe. I won't lose sleep over it. Really.
The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.