DAD JOKES IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

I just got fired from the pasta factory. All because I made a fusilli mistakes.

My wife left me because I am insecure…No wait, She's back. She just went to get coffee.

I've lived my entire life being absolutely positive that I'd never receive a phone call from a vegetable. Then, BOOM. Onion Rings.

What has 3 letters and starts with gas? A car.

I was going to tell the joke about the tropical birds I glued together. But never mind, it’s toucan fusing

Today I learned that if you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat. Because it's cap sized.

What did the doctor say when the patient wanted to do their own stitches? Suture self.

Q: What comes before part B? A: PARTYYYYYY!!!!!

Emperor Nero walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers, "Five beers please!"

Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies

a squirrel chillin in his tree, and all of a sudden it starts shaking violently. he looks down, out his window and sees an

elephant climbing the tree.

squirrel: (calm) what are you doing?

elephant: (out of breath) climbing up to eat some pears.

squirrel: (amused) silly elephant, this is a pine tree.

elephant: (struggling) i know i brought my own.

I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said “Thanks!”, I said “Don’t mention it.”

What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin at your front door? You vitamin, of course

How can you tell when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Did you hear about the guy who ate six cans of alphabet soup? He had the biggest vowel movement ever.

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, “Na”.

I don’t often tell innuendo jokes but when I have the chance I try and slip one in.

A girl goes to the bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to her.

Did you hear about the secret pilot? He spent much of his life in da skies.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

Why did the elephant get a new car? Needed more trunk space

What do you call a girl who lives on the beach? Sandy.

My dad told me to get 6 cans of sprite. On the way home I realized I picked 7up.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN, they become VERY ANGRY.

To everyone who always said I’d amount to nothing because I was such a procrastinator… just you wait.

I bought my daughter a purse from Iraq. She said thanks for the Baghdad

Australians don’t have sex. They mate.

Texas is banning internet pornography. If successful, it’s likely nearly every country in the world will follow suit. What is the world coming to these days?

My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers. But to be honest, I didn’t even know she had a flower shop.

I told my wife I had a crush on Beyoncé She replied with: “well, whatever floats your boat” I think she may be confused because that’s Buoyancy

My wife wanted to name our dog 5 miles so she could say “I walked 5 miles today.” Guess what, yesterday she ran over 5 miles.

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry. I’ll return.

My wife and I had an argument this weekend about how to arrange the dining room furniture. I thought I won. But when I got home, the tables were turned.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One or two? One? Or two?

I said to my wife “This new comforter is so soft. What’s it made of?” “Duck down” So I got low and then asked again.

My friend told me his dog retrieved a ball from over a mile away. I don’t know… seems really far fetched.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers on his bus.

My daughter was one of five kids who were supposed to play clouds in the school play. But somehow there were 8 that night. I’d say the play was overcast.

I know this is a little bit of a gamble, but does anyone know what going all-in means?

What’s the difference between dad jokes and the Spanish Language? IN Spanish, you roll your Rs. With Dad jokes, you roll your eyes

An old man fell into a well. Why? Because he could not see that well.

I went to my doctor this weekend and thought I was shrinking. I was freaking out. He said calmly, well, I guess you’ll have to learn to be a little patient.

I have this condition where I can’t stop telling Airport jokes. Doctors said it’s terminal.

I asked my father in law if he had any sandpaper. He said 150 grit. I said oh that’s fiiiine.

A woman in labor yells, 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Don't! Can't!" The husband freaks out. The doctor tells him, 'Don't worry, those are just contractions.'

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been the delivery."

As an American, I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Horses have been named the fastest animal on earth… at least that’s what it says in a new Gallup poll.

When I was little I wanted to play the guitar really badly. Now, I can say after years of practice and determination, and lessons, I play the guitar really badly.

I don’t usually like making innuendos, but I’ll occasionally slip one in.

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot because you can catch a cold.

After she broke my favorite lamp, I won't be able look at my wife in the same light ever again.

Some people pick their noses, but I was born with mine.

Today at my plastic surgery group meeting, i noticed a few new faces.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I can identify a dogwood tree by its bark!

A bicycle is not a bicycle once it turns into a driveway and a car is no longer a car when it turns into a parking lot...

If Celine Dion only sang the vowels in her name she would be singing Old Macdonald

Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.

I'm thinking I should do lunges to stay in shape. I’m currently not doing anything to stay in shape so that would be a big step forward.

What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.

The I.T. guy at work seemingly vanished today... We don’t know if he caught a virus or ransomware

I was at a restaurant last night. After our meal the waiter said Do you wanna box for your leftovers? I said no but I’ll wrestle.

At the airport my friend suggested we dress as luggage. But I said, let’s not get carried away…

What do you do with 100 peaches? Eat what you can. Can what you can’t.

My friend begged me for weeks to go spelunking with him…I finally caved.

I sent the Caveday team that joke on slack. No one laughed. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

What do you call a tree full of toilets? Toiletries.

What’s Indiana Jones’ least favorite band? The Rolling Stones.

90% of bald people still own brushes and combs. They just can’t part with them…

My son knows the first 16 letters of the alphabet, but gets confused on the next one. It always happens, right on Q

My wife is 80% Irish. Well, I should just say her name is Iris.

Every day I go for a walk and get hit by a bike. Every day. It’s a vicious cycle.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who need closure.

Why is the ocean so salty? The land never waves back

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

My car battery died and no one stopped to help me. I was like, “dont even get me started”

I know this is a stretch, but does anyone know what downward dog is?

How do you tell the gender of an ant? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats? Boyouant.

I drilled a hole today and thought I’d make a joke about it. But then I realized that that was just boring.

I failed math so many times at school… I can’t even count

I hate to brag, but not everyone can golf the way that I do. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

My wife asked me to do her hair like a Rastafarian. I’m dreading it.

Have you heard about the new movie “Constipation”… no? Oh I guess it never came out.

I asked my wife if I was the only one for her. She said yes—her exes were all 8’s and 9s.

People think “icy” is the easiest word to spell… Come to think of it, I see why.

Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everyone gets them

I know it’s a long shot, but does anyone know what a 3 pointer is?

I have a friend from college who is SO good at bragging about himself. He’s the best, I’d say my hyperbole skills are like, the second best.

What weighs more: a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? Water. Butane is a lighter fluid

Two sheep from Boston walk into a BAAAAH

How long does a jousting tournament last? Usually until knightfall.

The weirdest thing about a vacuum… When you clean out a vacuum cleaner you become a vacuum cleaner.

If you drink a bottle of rum, but you AND the bottle get drunk.

When you’re wearing a sweater on a hot day, you become the sweater

The black eyed peas can sing us a song. The chick peas can hummus one.

I just spent $100 on a new belt that doesn’t even fit… HUGE waste.

My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat. So I had to pop the trunk

I was so bored I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

Did you hear about the apartment building in Brooklyn where the entire third floor is rented out by different comedians? It’s actually a pretty funny story

What’s the worst thing you can hear surgeon can say during a surgery? Literally anything

In the us it’s called an elevator. In the uk it’s a lift. I guess we’re all raised differently

I think my wife is a ghost. But I had my suspicious since she walked through the door

My wife said I ruined her birthday. But in my defense I didn’t even know it was her birthday

My father in law has a farm and he just told me he’s done ordering from Amazon. The grain for the horses was great but after 3 days they apparently asked for his feed back

How much space should you give a fungi? As mushroom as possible.

People tell me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

My wife asked if we should upgrade our home surround sound system to Sony since every one says they are the best…I told her that’s just a common stereotype

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards… it was spam.

Why do ants never get sick? Because they have little antibodies

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

I went into the audiologist this weekend and asked for a hearing aid, the doctor told me to describe my symptoms. I said, uhhh ok… Homer and Marge live in Springfield. He works at the power plant, she has blue hair. They have 3 kids. Bart gets into a lot o f trouble Lisa is an unappreciated genius, and maggie’s a baby.

“May ya live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live– is an Irish Toast. Bread cinnamon eggs and syrup is a French toast

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room that will only fit 99? Carry the 1.

My wife said that the salad I made last night was too dry. It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest. So far all I have is “nine”

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing! It’s on the house.

The gingerbread man broke his leg. His doctor just said try icing it.

What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots

How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed

I never thought orthopedic shoes would work for me… but I stand corrected

My wife was sad about getting laryngitis. So I asked her how it happened, but she said it was hard to talk about.

Did you know that people want 3 covers on their bed at all time? It’s just a blanket statement.

The new thought-activated car they’re working issuing to be even more popular than the voice-activated one. It goes without saying.

I sat next to a pirate at the doctors office. We were exchanging small talk and then I asked why he was there. “I’m here for a second opinion on me tumors. The doctor says they’re benign but when I checked myself I think there be ten.”

Have you heard about conjunctivitis.com? It’s a site for sore eyes.

I just won the award for nicest oyster opener. Aw shucks!

I love going outdoors. It’s also much safer than going outwindows

I got to the restaurant early last night. The manager asked “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” No problem, I said. “Great. Please take these drinks to table 9.”

What’s the difference between dad jokes and the Spanish Language? IN Spanish, you roll your Rs. With Dad jokes, you roll your eyes.

A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts. “This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six…” “What happened to five?” his wife asked. “Cinq” he answered.

Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop? It's too high a price 'toupee.'

Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland?"

"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? They lactose."

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one.

What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.

Which US president was LEAST guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.

What’s the difference between pizza and my pizza jokes? My jokes can’t be topped.

How do they know that it’s possible to make extremely strong alcohol? They have a lot of proof.

Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But when I woke up I realized it was just a Fanta sea

I told my friend this weekend I love Worcestershire sauce. What’s so special about it, he asked. It’s hard to say…

How do you catch a puppeteer? With a Marion-net

My neighbor asked if our backyard shed could keep drinks cold. I said, no it’s a shed. He said, it’d be cooler if it did.

I have a great ceiling fan. It might not be the best, but it’s definitely up there.

What do cannibals eat for brunch? …PEOPLE. They eat people.

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer. …and a mop

How do computers get drunk? They take screenshots

I come from a family of magicians. In fact, I have two half sisters.

Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper. He had little patients.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I dont know and I dont care.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish. How successful was it? Well, the results speak for themselves.

I’m starting a business recycling used chewing gum. But I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But cat scan.

My friend taught me how to cut a tree by looking at them… I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own eyes!

People think “icy” is the easiest word to spell… Come to think of it, I see why.

As a kid, my brother and I would pretend to be appliances around the house.. I was a big fan.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

An old man fell into a well. Why? Because he could not see that well.

I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof this weekend. I was shocked.

I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I’ve got them all except one…I need Help.

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. I’m fine. I’ll just sit here in the dark.

You know what's really odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

Wanna hear something that always makes you smile? Your face muscles.

What’s more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee

I had my first date last night… really an underrated fruit.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t PEELING well.

I used to think that TWO was the only word that started with T-W. But I knew I was wrong after I checked twice.

Feel like someone’s watching you right now? You’re not alone.

To start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and a polar. That’s the bear minimum.

I recently got a job doing elephant circumcisions. The pay isn’t that much but the tips are huge.

Airport security say fewer and fewer people are smuggling helium in their luggage. .. and yet, cases continue to rise.

I used to play piano by ear but now I use my hands.

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly. Poison IV just made you itchy.

I didn't want to install backup cameras on my car,........but after it was done, I haven't looked back.

Why was the computer cold? Because it left its windows open

What did the fish say when it hit a wall? Dam.

Three years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear… but I guess the good news Is that I haven't heard from him since.

What do you call bears with no ears? B.

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and .………one coke. “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. “I don’t know, I was born with them,” says the bear.

There's a fine line between the numerator and the denominator. It's a shame only a fraction of the people will find this funny.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.

Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

Have you ever had a bad sausage? It's the wurst.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it’s going to be me.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.

I tried to read the dictionary in bed last night. But I didn’t finish. I got up to P.

When is a door not a door? When it’s actually ajar.

My poor knowledge of greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow.

I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!

Have you heard about Competitive Camping?? It’s in tents!

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

I took part in the sun tanning olympics. But I only got bronze.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

My friend fell into a machine that turns people into water vapor. I feel so bad, he will be mist.

I thought my wife would be mad that I forgot the abbreviation for the state of Oklahoma. But she told me it’s ok.

Tomorrow my son and I are getting new glasses. And after that? We’ll see…

I was in a good mood until I started petting a duckling in the park. Then I started to feel a little down.

Last week I went to this zoo. No animals. Except one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

I just told my grandma she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!

[A duck comes into a bar asks for “gwapes”. 2nd time… I’m going to nail your feet to the floor. 3rd time… any nails? No. Gwapes?

I have a Slovakian friend who sells microphones. I have a Czech one, too. I have a Czech one too.

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.

What did the grape say when it got run over? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Did you hear about the failed heist of frozen meals from the supermarket the other day? The plan wasn’t well thawed out.

I just read that there’s an island off the southern coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people. And I thought “That’s the biggest number I ever heard”

I have this condition where I steal books from libraries. Maybe I should get that checked out.

I love puns so much. SO much that I went to a theatrical production about them.. but it was just a play on words.

At first I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good. Now I stand corrected.

When I was a kid I once swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat ever.

I believe it was the ancient Arabs who invented the concept of Zero. And to them, I say thanks for nothing.

My wife walked across our bedroom and tripped over her slippers. So I said “Careful, they’re slippery”. She didn’t laugh.

There are many things my dog doesn’t like. But being tied up? That’s his leashed favorite.

My dad was a lumberjack and he knew how many trees he cut down in his whole career. Wanna know how? He kept a log.

Only cat jokes in this cave… just kitten

I used to disapprove of organ transplants but then I had a change of heart

I was checking my calendar for the week… seems like it’ll be a Good Friday.

I read a great book about a death defying dog. It was impossible to put down.

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after giving my first lesson. Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

I tried to pay cash at the plagiarism store, But they only take credit.

Why did the chicken click the PowerPoint presentation? To get to the other slide.

Got Attacked By 6 Dwarves Today. Not Happy

My Visa was declined at the sweater store So the cashier asked me for my cardigan.

I never thought I would get over my Phil Collins obsession... But take a look at me now

When you’re with Spanish-speaking friends, remember to say “mucho” as much as possible It means a lot to them

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. Terrible king, but made a great ruler.

I like making puns about eyes. The cornea the better.

My wife totally changed when she became a vegan… it’s like I never knew herbivore.

I threw a ball for my dog. It’s a bit extravagant, I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a bowtie.

I’ve had to steal something to stir my pancake batter with… but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day. I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood. Aaaand I nailed it.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

I used to be in a band called The Duvets, we did mostly covers.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. But in the end I lost my case

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.” Me: “And?”

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.

A Spanish speaking magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…” and he disappeared without a trace.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

You’re living, you occupy space and you have mass.. that mean you matter

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall.

I’ve been making Motown puns for about 3 years... 4 tops.

A man was admitted to the hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition can only be described as… stable.

Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market

Did I get a haircut? No I got them all cut

I wasn’t able to make reservations at the library. They’re completely booked.

I hate oyings (what’s an oying?) this joke.

If you have 10 apples in 1 hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have? HUGE hands.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

Want to hear something that will make you smile? Your face muscles.

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

Where was the Constitution signed? The bottom.

How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house? This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.

Have you heard about the new movie “Constipation”… no? Oh I guess it never came out.

Why was the computer cold? Because it left its windows open

How does a computer get drunk? It takes Screenshots

You know what's really odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

Why does Micheal J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients.

Why are there no Jewish people on Uranus? The nature of the planet does not sustain human life.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.” Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m OK.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A fly. The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.

What is a pirate’s favorite letter? They probably didn’t have one, as history points to the fact that most pirates were illiterate

What did one French guy say to another French guy? Wow, my name is also Guy.

There are five hundred bricks in a plane. One falls out. How many are left? Four hundred ninety-nine. What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? One, open the door. Two, shove it in. Three, close the door. What are the four steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? One, open the door. Two, take out the giraffe. Three, shove the elephant in. Four, close the door. Simba is having a birthday party and invited all the animals. Who doesn’t come? The elephant, he’s stuck in a fridge. Sally is trying to cross a river filled with man-eating crocodiles. There’s no bridge. How does she get across? She swims, all the alligators are at Simba’s birthday party. Sally dies anyway. Why does she die? The brick that fell out of the plane hit her in the head.

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeño business.

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

I just told my grandma she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!

My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort

I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!

RIP boiling water, you will be mist.

Turns out diarrhea is hereditary- It runs in your genes

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Recently, a group of thieves stole all the wheels of the police cars in town. The force is working tirelessly to find them

Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

I Was Wondering Why This Frisbee Kept Looking Bigger And Bigger. Then It Hit Me.

What Did The Fish Say When He Hit The Wall? Dam.

Knock Knock. Who's There? Hawaii. Hawaii Who? I'm Fine, Hawaii You?

I Took A Picture Of A Field Of Wheat. It Was Grainy.

 Someone Stole My Toilet And The Police Have Nothing To Go On.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.

I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I have them all except one. I need Help.

In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."

My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!

How long should a celebration be? I reckon about yay long

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill."

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

What do you call bears with no ears? B.

A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.

“My wife asked me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went to the bar, had a few drinks, nice person, turns out they’re a web designer.”

What starts with a W and ends with a T. It really does, I swear.

What starts and ends with an E and has only one letter? An envelope.

A man walked into a zoo. There was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’…I couldn’t turn it down.

Just for the record…I bought a turntable.

My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

I found out this weekend my toaster is not waterproof. I was shocked.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A fly. The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

I told my son I’m named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Jake. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!

I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.

It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.

My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly… … I’m not a fan.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

What kind of music do mummy's like? Rap.

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like: "What the Hellman!"

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not a C. Because you can’t C in the dark!

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure."

I'm not a fan of elevator music. It's bad on so many levels.

I been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami… Of course it is paper view.

how did harry potter get down the hill? walking… jk rowling

The rotation of the earth makes my day.

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and .………one coke. “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. “I don’t know, I was born with them,” says the bear.

Have you heard about Competitive Camping?? It’s in tents!

Two antennas got married. The wedding was ok. But the reception was incredible.

Shoutout to my Grandma. That's the only way she can hear me.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

What's Orange And Sounds Like A Parrot? A Carrot.

There are two reasons not to drink water from the toilet. Number 1. And Number 2.

Some people say I’ve got no idea how to run a courtroom. But I’ll let you be the judge.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.

I dont roll a joint every day, but when I do, it’s usually my ankle

If you have just a handful of good friends you are probably a giant.

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: 384 my liege K: Ok, round them up S: 400 my liege

Why aren't jet skis called boatercyles?

Feeling Cold? Go stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually around 90 degrees.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up…Good thymes.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

When is a door not a door? When it’s actually ajar.

Jokes about perforated paper aren’t even good. They’re tear-able.

One of my favorite things is when the Earth rotates. It just makes my day.

I invented a new word! Plagiarism!

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?” 

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

Want to hear a long joke?Jooooooooooooooke.

What kind of music do Santa’s elves listen to while working? Wrap music!

_______

I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly none of them work.

I’ll tell you a joke about chemistry but I’m afraid there will be no reaction

I was going to tell you an Umbrella joke but it’s probably over your heads

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't get it.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it’s over your head.

I finally came up with a good joke about clocks. It’s about time.

I had a bunch of Pizza Jokes but I thought, nahhhh, they’re too cheesy

Then I had some Cookie jokes. But nope. Too crumby

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it

I had a joke about the Flu but I hope you dont get it

JOKES BETTER READ THAN SAID

Boss: How’s that new glue?
Me: 👌

What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.

Dad: I named you after my father.
After my father: I know

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……”

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen the mall.

My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe…

My buddy David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.

Date: So what do you do?
Me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist.
Date: Oh wow.
Fox: and a ventriloquist.

Today's top fact:
50% of Canada is A

My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Here’s a bit of advice for you: advi

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman Numerals. I M LI VI D

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

I pirated a video game yesterday. Gave it 3.14 stars.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play. (8 months later at opening night): football coach: wait wtf is this

I’m only 12.5% sure god exists. I guess that makes me an 1/8 theist.

I’m writing a book about what I should be doing with my life. It’s my aught-o-biography

The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes

Why is it called “camouflage” and not

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day: breakfast and breakfurious.

My wife texted me "Your great" and I replied "No, YOU’RE great". Im a stickler for grammar. But she's been happy and smiling at me all weekend.

I have trouble figuring out Roman numerals until I get to 159, when it just CLIX

I've just become a professor of palindomes. You may now call me Dr. Awkward